"Voila le carrefour de la vie, jeune homme, choisissez"

As Honoré de Balzac so elequently explained: 

"Voila le carrefour de la vie, jeune homme, choisissez." 

Translation: "Alas, you have come to the crossroad of life, young man, choose your path." 

I feel that this quote has been present in my life from day 1, and that I have always been eager to turn my back to it.  As many of my friends and family know, I have an aversion for making life decisions, which I attribute to my slightly controlling nature--I want to be the decider of my own destiny and when I cannot tell the future outcome of a decision (which is always the case) I am uncomfortable and relatively unconfident.  I dance around the subject trying to create

 eloquent arguments in hopes of eventually convincing myself in the way of one of them.  I have a tendency to take a pole, a survey if you will, of what others think with the idea to push myself in a particular direction.  This has not changed throughout my 22, almost 23 years of life, and probably will never change.    

In regards to the most recent of my life dilemmas, I have to say, I managed to make a decision all by my grow-up self with only asking 1 person for advice--and ultimately knowing that he would not steer me in a clear direction.  My problematic situation was this:  I was accepted for a teaching assistant position in Nice, France, my dream destination, but not before I was informed by someone currently in the program that it is not as romantic as one would think.  She is not in Nice but some small town somewhere else in France, but regardless, it does not change the fact that the assistants are paid just enough money to live and are expected to live off savings for the first 2 months until the payments from the school go through.  It was a bit of a downer to get this news, in combination with that little piece of info she mentioned about them taking most anyone---i.e. they are not as picky as I had thought.  As someone who is keen on competition and prestigious opportunities, I was a bit disheartened.  At this same time, I had received an email asking for an interview for an internship position with Shakespeare

 Theatre Company in Washington, DC, wherein the 2 chosen costume interns work for 1 year in different positions and on different aspects of the costuming process; they are housed and paid a stipend.  This whole time, I am waiting to hear anything from Cirque Du Soleil for which I compiled an online profile for a particular job.  

One would choose the second option, most likely, with the thought of saving money AND taking part in an incredible opportunity to jump-start one's career.  That being said, the problem lies in my constant struggle between my lifelong passion for french and my more recent ambitions in the world of theatrical costuming.  While not untalented at either, I find that I am far more confident in french and feel far more stimulated as opposed to frustrated.  Would this jump-start for my career be beneficial if it is not the career I truly wish to pursue? 

I am certain these words are not sitting well with those reading who know what the last four years have been like, and what they have prepared me for.  Could it be that I just like a challenge and that once the goal has been accomplished and the mysteries have been solved, that I become to easily disillusioned or bored? Probably.  Yes. But is this concept really so horrible? In my mind, I have a desire to know everything... not in the sense of all knowing and all power, but rather in the sense of having many curiosities and needing to satisfy them.  I want to be Leonardo DiVinci and Thomas Jefferson.  The saying "Jack of all trades, master of none" would perhaps apply, but then, in having an arsenal of competencies, I am not only more marketable, but more interesting, and can better communicate with those of whom I make acquaintances throughout my life.  A friend of mine once told me of his life goal, and it so struck me as profound, yet simple, that I decided to plagiarize and take if for my own. 

The challenge is this: By the end of one's life  (if not before) to be able to hold a 5 minute conversation on any topic with any person from any walk of life.  

And so my choice, while not at all clear or easy to make, bent towards France, and I accepted by position.  I came to the realization last year or so, that while I was artistically stimulated at the Theatre School, and thrived on this phase of artistic expression and honing of skills, I felt trapped by a lack of academic exploration.  I found my escape, my salvation in french.  It has become even more apparent now, here in Paris, with my brain throbbing from the culture shock, that I more driven, passionate, excited and excitable when I have intellectual topics to occupy my mind. 

 The dreams of the Impressionists sing to me are like Sirens--- their attempts to capture modernity resonate as timeless testaments to the idea of the fleeting. They go past simply recreating and recording an event,  but rather, embody the emotions of that moment--the energy that radiates and then is gone.  It is such an allegory for life as a whole.  I want to live in that moment and feel that same energy... record it using whatever talents within me that are just waiting for the perfect moment to show themselves.  I do not feel that I will find them by being static, stable, stationary.  No, it isn't necessarily the safest mindset, and believe me, I do not feel the need to squander away my savings to live like Balzac or Baudelaire or Oscar Wilde, but I do want to know that when I come to the end, I have filled every second of my life with something interesting.